I have bought loads of books on building confidence, and for the first few days I’ve felt great - then I’ve tried in vain to put them into practice, because I’ve forgotten most of the content. But I think even if I’d remembered, I’d still only be ‘papering over the cracks’ because the root of the problem must be in the fact that I know I have limitations. I now know those limitations are in the cerebellum.
I even bought a book on Nasty People and how to deal with them, as I could never stand up to them effectively, and now I know all the psychology behind why they behave that way (as I did when I was a child), and yet I can’t put it into practice because my working memory is so small, I still can’t speak effectively -the number of times I lose my thread during a conversation.
I’d love to know for sure that when I opened my mouth, something intelligent would come out, and people wouldn’t frown and wonder what I was on about! That I could speak without semi-stuttering, and stay focussed without going off on a tangent, then I’d have so much more confidence. And I believe this would have a snowball effect, because there are so many situations that I avoid at the moment.
And for years I was an unruly child, then an anarchic teenager, then had major mood swings as an adult. I joined a Bi Polar group because I thought I was manic depressive. A psychiatrist even said I might be, but she didn’t force me to take medication, because I wasn’t considered a danger to myself or anyone else.
This is why I related to Toyah so much, because she seemed to have the same problems as me when she was very young. The thing I am most looking forward to when I finally get on the Dore programme is to eliminate the mood swings, as Toyah did. I will have such a fulfilling life, because I’ll be much nicer to know!
www.dore.co.uk
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