When I was a child, whenever someone asked me a question, I would often say ‘Pardon?’ and they would repeat the question. This was an automatic strategy I’d come up with to not only think of an answer, but to give myself time to process what I’d been asked.
My mother knew I wasn’t deaf, but she didn’t realise why I did it. She either assumed it was just a bad habit I’d formed to annoy her, or she realised I was stalling her, but was too impatient to put up with it. She would often shout ‘Repeat what I just said!’ which I always could, parrot-fashion, but still not necessarily having registered what it meant. Then she’d tell me off for pretending to be deaf, and ask me why I did it, but I didn’t know why. This happened an awful lot and the constant reprimanding had a very negative effect on my self esteem.
I was once in trouble with a deputy head teacher for producing sloppy work, and I tried to explain to her that I was slower than the other children because my brain worked differently to theirs. She threw her head back and laughed, saying ‘Nice Try!’ or something similar, because she knew I was intelligent, and couldn’t believe I was slow.
At the time I was flattered that she thought I was intelligent, but very frustrated that she didn’t believe me. She threw my Maths book down on my desk (my worst subject) and said ‘Paula, I wouldn’t have you in my class’. Her conclusion was that I was lazy, and I even started to doubt my own beliefs, and believe that she was right.
Although I remember this incident in detail, similar misunderstandings would happen on a daily basis. I guess I often said and did things that contradicted my intelligence. So people would believe I was deliberately being difficult. I was labelled as a naughty child. So then what happened? Of course I had to live up to my reputation.
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